I was 31 when my husband and I embraced the conviction that we would be open to as many children as the Lord saw fit with which to bless us. The comments started almost immediately.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
“You have at least a decade of fertility in front of you!”
“What if you end up with a dozen kids?”
“Be prepared to be swamped!”
Secretly, I hoped that friends and family were right; in no time, we would be back in the business of diapers and late night feedings. We already had three children, ages 8, 6, and 4. Who knows, I thought. In five years time, maybe we’ll have doubled our family size!
That was in August. In November, I greeted my husband on a stormy evening with a positive pregnancy test tied to a single arrow. We had said yes to God, and He had answered. Our first change of heart blessing was on its way. God even threw in a bonus: an ultrasound found not one, but two little beating hearts. We prepared for the happiest flood of our lives.
Only it didn’t quite end the way we had hoped. Rather than shopping for layette items, I suffered a miscarriage. Rattled, grieving, we thanked God for the time we had had with our gifts, and pressed on into a future we were sure would bring babies to our willing, waiting arms. After all, we had said yes. We had walked forward in obedience to a conviction laid upon our hearts. We wanted a good thing that lined right up with Scripture.
But God said no.
Not just once. Multiple times.
And then … silence.
No positive tests. No hopeful moments of “maybe this time.” Nothing.
We waited. There were moments when we waited well. Moments where we took our laments to the Lord, laid them at His feet, and left them there, rising again in faith that His plans were to prosper us. There were moments where we forget, just for a bit, the ache of loss and the bitter emptiness that swept over us.
But those were just moments in a long string of years that tasted so bitter, at times, I could barely stand to open my Bible. The story of Rachel, raging against her husband, was often me– but my anger burned against God. “Give me children, or else I die” (Genesis 30:1) was the cry of my heart. And I withered.
After a long, dark season, I began to heal. Like the meandering journey of the Israelites through the desert, I found my way, finally, to my Canaan– a promised land that didn’t come with babies, but instead with a newfound peace, a deeper faith, and the realization that a reward was not promised to us with our act of obedience: obedience was the reward.
There were many, many takeaways that God taught me during those months that stretched into years. And while I don’t wish to walk that particular desert again anytime soon, I can tell you that the lessons learned have changed the way that I look at faith, God, and my own heart.
1. Children, pregnancy, and even motherhood can become idols.
Without realizing it, I shifted into a mode of worshipping the state of growing a baby. I longed for it, I daydreamed about it, I cried out to God for the fulfillment of my desire. I looked at those around me so easily (it seemed to me at least) carrying healthy babies to term and I felt that they were more blessed than I. But anything– even good things– that claim first place in our hearts before our Savior is idolatry. Realizing this, and repenting of it, was one of the most humbling experiences in my life.
2. Do you simply want a baby, or do you want to be fruitful?
Bearing godly children is one of the chief purposes of marriage (Malachi 2:15). But the idea of “fruitfulness” extends far beyond the womb. The Bible lists a variety of ways in which we, as women, can serve to build His Kingdom through our labors. Raising children is surely one of the most satisfying, but serving the church body, mentoring other women, and being faithful with the gifts He has put at our disposal brings more glory to the Lord than demanding a child.
3. What if that “no” is actually a “yes”?
Through the process of discovering God’s will for our family, we discerned that our desire for more children had roots somewhere else: in our case, it was adoption. Through God’s patient and loving, “not now,” the life of our family has been changed forever. When we were able to release our passionate longing for the experience of giving birth to a baby “of our own,” we discovered that there were three other children equally “our own” already waiting for us. If God had opened the doors to biology, I doubt we would have been as faithful as to pursue the heady process of adoption.
Nine years after our choice to follow the radical call to hold open our hearts and home to the blessing of more children, we have indeed more than doubled our family size. We now have eight children– two of whom, ironically, God gave us as “good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over” (Luke 6:38) through the miracle of birth. But only after we had surrendered a second time. This time, not to the call to hand over our fertility, but to something even deeper: the gentle ask of our entire lives, our entire image of who we are and who we serve … and how good He is, all the time.
This is a post from Heather Schwarzen of To Sow a Seed
Thank you so much for this! This is EXACTLY where I am and it is doing my head in! I am so blessed with 6 children of our own but am longing for more. I am already 45 and realise that it really isn’t the best decision but still my heart longs and aches for another child. I have thought that I have made this an idol – which is NOT pleasing to the Lord – and am trying desperately to lay it down. I have had words spoken that our ‘quiver is full’ yet I still yearn. It really is weird. Thanks again. This has helped me so very much to know that another feels the same. Bless you immensely!
Thank you for writing this post. I can relate. There are many times in these past few years of wondering “why no more babies are coming?” where I have questioned God. It’s so hard at times & every month my heart breaks. I am desperately trying to lean on God & I know that His plan is best ~ if only I could rest assured & stop getting so upset.
I love that you adopted. We are currently in the process of become foster parents with the hope of adopting out of the foster system ( that is our hope, but what God plans ~ we’ll see). I’m going to check out your blog now.
Blessings
Renata:)
This post really touched my heart. I’ve been battling “delayed” fertility for a number of years and dearly long to hold a baby of my own, by birth or adoption. The wait is hard, but I know Papa knows best and will always be faithful to me. Happy tears. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
We have 6 children – but it wasn’t until I was 39 that we submitted our family planning to the Lord. Now, at 46, God seems to have shut that door – but, I admit that most months I am hopeful that perhaps it’s not *quite* shut.
I particularly enjoyed this point: “Do you simply want a baby, or do you want to be fruitful?” Being fruitful is, indeed, more than just having babies…how faithful am I being in raising the children He’s already given me – in ministering to the people He’s put in my life?
I enjoyed reading your post!
Thank you so much !!! We have been struggling with infertility for few months now after also a call of conviction to have another yet not happening for us as easily as it had for the 7 we have already I am now 40 and desperately would like to experience being pregnant one last time 🙂 this has helped me as today was another disappointing negative month !
Trusting in Him !!!
Thank you. What a wonderful post. Thank you for the reminder of wht “fruitful” means. Its not just about creating more life it goes beyond that. We need to keep growing our children after they are born by showing them Christ each and every day.
Thanks I needed that. I have been struggling we have been trying to adopt a third time from foster care for 4 years and it hasn’t worked. We lost three to the system and were treated so bad. My first two adoptions were not this bad. I have been a bit jealous lately of those who can have biological children easy (I can’t due to menopause at 29 due to cancer) but I have been blessed with two. I have to trust God’s plan
Being 24 with no children and trying for 3 years has been a struggle. We are on our last round of IUI and if this fails it’s IVF. I’ve desperately wanted to foster to adopt but my husband hasn’t full committed yet.
I’m sitting on the fence not sure which way to turn. God and I have had a rock relationship and I’m a bit lost. This post has seriously struck a cord with me though so thank you!!! ❤️
Wow! This truly hit home… thank you! We have a beautiful baby boy who’s almost 3. Unfortunately we had our 1st miscarriage in April 2020 and a second one April 2021. Staying strong in my faith has been hard. But the understanding that becoming pregnant has been my idol for many years has shaken me. I never knew that’s what it was, thanks for sharing. Blessings to your family and all the women out there struggling with infertility.
I turned 32 this year and we are in 2 years of TTC, never a positive test, or reason as to why we have not been blessed with a baby. I do wonder constantly what God has planned for us if children are not in our future. I now am wondering how much of an idol I have created through this struggle and grieving the life I thought God had in mind for Us. I’ve been shown how much ignorance I had going into this season of my husband and i’s life.
Just struggling to understand what God’s plan really is, and hope I can one day be at peace if children are not a part of our life.
Oh my goodness. To know I’m not the only one. Or crazy. Thank you.