This is a post from Amy Warrick of No Greater Honors
I’m sure we can all remember when we first married our husband. We moved into our first home, with nothing to do but cook for him, clean the house – it was :always: spotless, of course – and enjoy each other’s time. Sort of like dating/courting , except now you lovingly did his laundry, too.
Then – something happened. You blinked.
And in what seemed like no time at all, suddenly there were children in every corner of the house (or at least, some days it felt that way!). The days changed from spotless house cleaning and nightly time together to doing your best to make sure the floor was clean and swept (if you ignore under the cabinets which may or may not always be swept under), and the laundry is just always there because for whatever reason someone is always wearing clothes (hahaha). Night time – well, there is still time together – after the kids have been put in bed, then put back in bed, then have all made an extra trip to the bathroom, then put back in their bed – or yours. You find yourself staying up until midnight to get that downtime, and questioning such an insane decision the next morning when it starts all over again.
Sound familiar to anyone out there? If you aren’t careful, you can get so caught up in that day-to-day mix that, before you know it, you have forgotten how to have a life outside of it. Of course, you tell yourself – my children need us, we need to put aside our wishes and be the parents they deserve. If you just said that – or thought it – you would be right. We do, as parents, have to learn to put ourselves and what we would love to expect out of the day aside, and put their needs in front of ours. That should happen as a team. What is easy to forget, though, is who came first.
In case you’ve already forgotten, I’ll stun you with this next revelation of parenthood: HE DID. YOU DID. Despite what every mama would like to imagine, we didn’t have our children to keep them. It’s not the most exciting topic to think about -giving our children away one day – and for those like me, who still have 5 under 10, it can seem like forever before we have to deal with that.
It won’t be, though. One day, Lord willing, those precious girls will have their heart taken, and Lord willing, it will be the man God intended. Those boys that stole your heart the moment they wrapped their fingers around yours, cried for you, brought you flowers – they are going to steal someone else’s, wrap their fingers in hers, bring her flowers – and walk away. When that is all done – you will clean a spotless house, and at night you will sit down, turn, and see the man you started life with. What you don’t want to see is a stranger in his body. So what do you do about that? I’ve got some tips that *hopefully* will be a blessing and a help. These didn’t come from a book – well, not just any book. They were inspired, however, by God’s word, and sometimes by a sudden answer to prayer, or a thought God sent my way during the day – a spur-of-the-moment decision to surprise my hard-working husband.
- Date Night Out – This is an easy one, of course. Get a sitter – go out for dinner, a movie, whatever you prefer. We usually do dinner. Fantasy says it would be great to get this once a month – reality says, every 6 months is more like it! I do encourage you to try it as often as you can, though – especially if your children are old enough to babysit the other little ones.
- Date Night In – similar to the first, but the less expensive option. This is for times when money has to be stretched, and you really can’t afford the dinner out. That doesn’t mean you can’t have dinner in, though. It can be something as simple as take out (a cheaper option of not having to cook your own meal) or just watching a movie and having ice cream or popcorn. Take it up a notch – make a special meal, one you don’t cook very often (his favorite is probably the safest way to go with this one!), and surprise him.One time, I scheduled to have someone babysit a few days in advance and didn’t tell him. I had the kids out of the house by about 1:30-2:00 in the afternoon, and started getting ready. I made sure everything was cooked before he got home, and well hidden in the oven to stay warm. Then, I laid out nice clothes for him on the bed, made sure a towel and all necessities were in the bathroom, ready for when he got home. I shut off all the doors (at the time, this was possible due to the layout of our house) so that when he came in from the garage, all he could see were signs on the doors with handwritten arrows telling him which way to go. He was led to the bathroom to shower, then to the bedroom to change, then back out to the living room. From there, he saw the dining room, which (during his shower) was finished by setting the table with really nice dishes, the food was out, and candles were lit. So there, we had a wonderful date night in, without all the fuss of going out to eat and – if you can – family will tend to let kids come play instead of having to hire out a babysitter.
- Take a Walk – it can be around the block, or in the park, or, if you are brave enough to face the mall and only window shop, you can do that. Bring along a little bit for a drink or dessert, and just spend time talking – you know, that thing you used to be able to do all the time before you had all those littles clamoring for a chance to tell you something great and wonderful, too.
- Go Fishing/Golfing/Hiking – This list could go on and on. I am not about to say that women don’t like any (or all) of these things, because I personally loved going golfing and fishing with my husband when we had a chance. However, they aren’t my forte, so most of my time was spent driving the golf cart (probably a little too fast) and watching a pole for him that HE baited for me. I mention these because sometimes it’s nice to see his side of things – go do something you know he will enjoy. Very often, he will return the favor on his own. What you DON’T want to do is only go with him on something he likes because you want him to do what you want. Then, the motive isn’t very pure, is it?
- Early Bedtime – Some days, your husband, or you – or the both of you – will have one of those days. A long, tiring, rough day. Those are ‘early bedtime’ days in my house. Not a punishment to the kids, but rather, a treat to the both of you. It can give you time to be able to talk, maybe watch a movie, or even get some extra sleep yourselves. This is less of a ‘date’ night, and more a way to show him that you realize he’s worked hard, you know you have worked hard (although sometimes, it doesn’t always show when you have little kiddos running around the house), and you want to make sure that everyone is getting the rest they need.
- Work A Puzzle – This is a personal favorite, and has a lot of meaning behind it. In truth, it can be a puzzle, a game, anything that takes concentration and time together. You can turn the TV off (if you have one), find a quiet place, and spend this time together. My husband and I have worked many a puzzle together, including an amazingly fun, hard, 1,000 piece puzzle once. We probably spent 8-10 months working on it, off and on, but it was always our go-to. It didn’t cost any more than what it took to buy the puzzle, and it was always there. We didn’t have to find a sitter – we just waited until we got the kids in bed. When life got busy, we just waited until we had a chance to get back to it. It was *our* time, and we had – and still have – a lot of fun teasing each other, goofing off while we find just the right piece, and talking (something that isn’t always easy to accomplish when you are busy trying to keep your house and family going 18+ hours of the day).
I know those sound so simple, and I really hope that it’s more of a way to get some creative juices flowing for you to plan a special night for you and your husband. When your children are grown, I imagine you look back and love to depend on the memories to keep them little in your mind when you miss that stage, and to recollect on the joy of watching them grow. Just as in the case of children, I think your marriage needs that. There must be a foundation strong enough to stand the test of time, or life will weather away at your marriage and you may not see the cracks until it’s at a critical point. Along with these ideas, there are many little things you can do through the day, week, month, year, etc to continually work on your marriage. In the middle of trying to teach 2 or 3 children, in 2 or 3 different grades, keep up with the toddler running around, the baby crying, the dishes piling up… stop and send him a text, give him a call, or just take 5 minutes to write him a note. Let him know that you are thinking of him and that he is still your #1, even with all the other things that you are responsible for in life. Don’t neglect your responsibilities for your husband – but don’t neglect HIM for THEM. 🙂
I hope this has been a blessing to someone – because I don’t write this from an ignorant stand point. I have been right here, guilty of this very thing, and had to make huge changes to be sure I wasn’t going too far in the wrong direction and forgetting what is most important (and ruining my marriage in the process). I wish you and your marriage all the blessings I can imagine I would want for mine!
Amanda these are GREAT tips. Thank you!
I am so glad they were a help! God Bless You! 🙂
I love early bedtimes! A puzzle is a fabulous idea. We haven’t done one in forever, but my husband loves them. I think putting your marriage first is so, so important and something we, as parents, may be too willing to put on the back burner from time to time.
You are right, it is SO easy to push back and not realize just how long it has been since you have enjoyed each other’s company. I am so glad you came by to read, and hope it has been a blessing!
“You find yourself staying up until midnight to get that downtime, and questioning such an insane decision the next morning when it starts all over again.”
OH MY WORD! lol I could I have written this, this is my life! Thank you for the great ideas. Right now getting up with my husband before the kids are up seems to work the best. I may be tired but we get our moments to chit-chat about the day over breakfast. Thanks again-Mama to 4 soon to be 5 under four 😉
Thank you! I am glad to have someone who can relate so well – and congratulations on your ‘soon to be fifth’ little one! This is a busy time of life, but so precious, and goes so fast! 🙂