This is a post from Nicole Crone of Children are a Blessing
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In our culture, most families have two to three children. Normally congratulations are in order for child #1 and #2. When child #3 makes their appearance, most families are asked the question, “So, you’re done, right?” Subsequent children can be greeted with incredulousness and even pure disdain. This reaction is hurtful from strangers. When family members react this way however, the results can be downright devastating.
As of right now, I have six children and am expecting my seventh blessing in September. When expecting babies three, four, and five, I received a particularly negative reaction from one close family member. I began emailing this person to announce pregnancies instead of telling them face-to-face or even over the phone because the reaction was so very hurtful. These negative reactions can put a damper on what should be a very happy time, which really, is just plain wrong.
What should you do if your own extended family disapproves of your family size? The first impulse that we might have is to lash out in anger ourselves. But would this solve the problem?
I don’t think that it would. We need to show kindness in this situation, even if we feel like doing otherwise. As tough as it is sometimes, we should strive to follow Christ’s example in all things. These are a few things that I’ve done to ease the pain.
- First of all, let’s think before we react. Most of the time we shouldn’t say the first thing that pops into our minds. We must run our thoughts through a filter and ask the Lord for guidance.
- With a gentle spirit, remind the person that the Lord is ultimately in control of conception. Throughout the Bible, we see instances of God opening and closing wombs as well as verses that undeniably declare that God is creator of all.
- Let’s remember that all things in this world (including children) are created by God’s will and for His pleasure. Revelation 4:11 is such a comfort to me. It reads, “You are worthy, O Lord, To receive glory and honor and power; For You created all things, And by Your will they exist and were created.” (NKJV) While dissenting family members might believe that these babies were created by our own will, the Bible clearly tells us otherwise.
- If the family member still complains, smile and let them know that you are very thankful for this precious gift. Sometimes people insist that their opinion be heard…loud, clear, and repeatedly! Do not lose heart, and keep your mind focused on your blessing.
- Remember that once this child arrives, the family member will most likely change their tune. While this is little consolation at the time, within a few months most family members who were “against” your pregnancy will change their minds and embrace this sweet new life.
Dealing with a dissenting family member can definitely be tough! With the Lord’s help, we can show His grace and love while pointing out the Biblical account of were pregnancies actually come from.
So good! A lot of people are so confused about why we would choose to be a foster family when we already have three bio sons, so you are definitely right about it being something that happens after baby #3! The truth is we do it because we feel that this is what God wants us to be doing and we can make a profound difference this way and we’ll most likely end up adopting. I would dearly love to end up with 5, but that is in God’s hands 🙂 Congratulations on your 7th!
-S.L. Payne, uncommongrace.net
Thank you so much for the encouragement! Many blessings to you!
We, too, have gone through this…. and there was extra pressure because our second child had medical problems, so people wanted us to quit because we were so tired (exhausted) – then our 3rd child was a girl after 2 boys, so more pressure because “now you have your girl” and so on. We have 6 children here on earth (and 3 precious little ones in heaven, due to miscarriage). I think it really helps to be fully persuaded in our own minds that we are doing what God wants us to… and I agree that getting mad back doesn’t help anything…. we did stop telling some people until I was many months along – like 6 or so! to lessen the number of months we had to endure criticism. 🙂 Thank you for posting this.
Thank you for your kind words and insight. I totally understand waiting awhile before making a pregnancy announcement!
I’ve wondered who *I* would be if we’d only had 2 kids, but I never thought to wonder what my family relationships would be if I’d only had 2 kids.
Somehow, I think the disapproving ones would have found something else (homeschooling, perhaps?) to disapprove of.
Yes, I love being a mom of many too, and I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Thank you for guiding us. We have seven children and my husband loves the shocked looks he gets when he lists their ages.
The reactions are funny, aren’t they? Many blessings to you!
Great advice, thank you! But how do you deal with even the closest family members disapproving? I can’t imagine what would happen should I get pregnant again and having to tell my mother and sister, and the others I am very close to and see almost everyday. They feel they have a right to their opinion when we are constantly helping each other and watching each others’ children. And my pregnancies are incredibly complicated and difficult, as well as the first year of the baby’s life. I frequently need the help and support of these people and when things get tough, my mother will often say “Think about this the next time you think you want another baby…”
It’s so hard trying see God’s blessings in this. But I adore my children and would love another despite my fears.
Good for you for sticking up for yourself! It’s crazy how rude and insensitive people can be. Congratulations on your newest baby!
I found your link over at Titus2Tuesday.
Oh this article was for me. We are expecting number six right now and we haven’t told anyone. Part of me wants to wait to hear the heartbeat (my midwife is on a mission trip and I am waiting for her return) and part of me just hates the idea of telling people we’re expecting again. I know so many family and friends think we’re just plain mad. I think some of my friends think my husband is somehow pressuring this, which is absolutely not true. I just don’t know very many people who are willing to put it in the Lord’s hands, but we made the commitment to do that. For some reason, this baby has me really struggling. Maybe it’s partly because I feel half crazed with five kids already, and what must people be thinking?!?!? It’s stupid I know, but thanks anyway for the encouragement. Within the next three weeks or so I will be sharing… and probably showing as well since I’m already 13-14 weeks.
It is sad that pregnancies past 1,2,3 are not as celebrated. Every life is precious. And there are so many jokes about having many kids.
We are 16wks with baby #5. We have handed this portion of our life over to God, and we are blessed to be welcoming a new baby in October. Our oldest got diagnosed with Autism, my husband (29 st the time) got diagnosed with Autism and PTSD shortly before. People wanted us to “be done” for “their health”. When people found out we were pregnant this time, there was “silence”. Likes on our facebook announcement, but nothing since. My mom asked me how I am feeling the other day and I didn’t think she was asking about the pregnancy initially because nobody talks about it, except me and my husband. I guess the lack of questions is a blessing in some ways, but it feels like nobody cares about this baby, but God told me something a few weeks ago that was really helpful for almost anything in our life, but spoke to me about our children and what he has instructed me and my husband to do too. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT THEY THINK. He is right, it only matters what He has told you to do, not the snide remarks or the passive-agressive silence of the disaproving person in the corner. This is your path, not theirs.
Thanks for your compassionate response. I have never said anything out loud but I am one who has grieved inwardly when a friend has shared about their 3rd, 4th, etc. I just want one. You are right that family members and friends should celebrate with you and I don’t know why they aren’t but my reduced celebration is due to pain and jealousy and hurt that God allowed your pregnancy but not mine—-yet. God is good and I am in the process of having Jesus heal my broken heart. Thank you for selflessly recommending a gentle response. Regardless of the responses you get, you get to keep the children you have and that’s the biggest blessing of them all.
I can identify with this post…thanks for taking the time to write and present godly responses. As a mom of 6 I just LOVED this post!
For those of us who have been denied having many children (or ANY children), even after years of fervent prayer, it is hard to handle those having their 6th, or 7th+ child.