………. And will we have more?
There is not an easy answer to this question. Ultimately, God and time will tell.
From part one, you will see that my husband and I have both gone back and forth about controlling our family size. We were both ready to stop after baby #4, and then again after the twins (#5 and #6). Well, here we are again, seriously considering being done after this baby, #7, is born.
Why is this such a struggle for me? Where is my faith in the matter? My children are awesome and such a blessing, why wouldn’t I want more?
Well, here are some of the things going through my mind and heart about NOT having more children:
1. We are starting to feel the strain financially.
2. I’m tired and worn out – spiritually, physically, and emotionally. I feel like I have nothing left to give.
3. We are ready to get past the baby phase. Life is so much easier without diapers, strollers, car seats, etc..
4. I suffer from post partum depression. Some pregnancies affect me and some don’t, but when it hits, life is hard, for everyone.
5. I feel like I don’t have enough time for the kids I already have. There’s just not enough of me to go around. I want to be there for my kids and enjoy them – I feel like I’m just going through the motions.
I have noticed lately that there is a lot of talk in the Christian blogging community about leaving family size up to God. I see it a lot; I can’t get away from it. I even began to get a little annoyed at some of these women posting about leaving their family size up to God as if it was no big thing, such an easy decision to make, and even describing those who didn’t as selfish and unfaithful.
Everyone is different, everyone’s journey is different. So maybe it is easy for some, but I admit, it is hard for me. I’m scared. I’m a very fertile woman (and yes, I’m thankful for that and don’t take it for granted). At this rate, I could be right up there with Michelle Duggar before my childbearing years are over.
Then, after several days and much thought, prayer and self reflection, I realized I was being selfish and unfaithful. Please do not feel that if you don’t give God complete control of your fertility that you are selfish or unfaithful; God convicts everyone in different ways and in different areas of life. And I had realized that He was convicting ME in this area. The Lord was clearly putting this topic right in my face!! Obviously he was trying to tell me something.
I have never been 100% comfortable with saying we are done. When God decides it’s time for us to be done, then I know I will have peace. That still doesn’t make it easy to just turn it over to God. I guess the unknown is what’s scary. But I need to step out in faith on this. When I think about my faith in this area of my life, it reminds me of the Casting Crowns song, Voice of Truth.
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out His hand
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. “Boy, you’ll never win!”
“You’ll never win!”
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says, “Do not be afraid!”
The voice of truth says, “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth
I need to seek my God everyday and die to myself everyday. I realized I haven’t been doing that. It’s amazing what a little time away from God can do. I need to lean on Him for support and for my strength. With God, I can do anything! He WILL provide for us in every area we need. We may think we know what we need, but we don’t always, but God does. He has a plan and a purpose. I may not know what it is, or understand it, or even like it, but I have to trust Him. After all, He loves me and only wants the best for me. I never imagined my life would be like this – being a mom of many, a submissive wife, a homeschooler – I never planned it this way. God planned it for me and I am so thankful and blessed – I wouldn’t change it for anything!
As my husband and I were deciding once again to “be done,” we were entertaining the thought again about him getting a vasectomy. With all these thoughts and feelings that began surfacing within me, I knew we just couldn’t go this route. I hesitantly approached him one recent evening and shared my feelings with him. I was pleasantly surprised by his reaction – he was completely fine with it! Praise God!
We would never, ever regret any of the children we have (or will have), or wish we didn’t have so many, or wish we didn’t have this one or that one, or wish we had stopped after so and so. But I could see us potentially regretting not having more and deciding to stop.
As I sit here finishing up this post, I am not even sure if this little baby inside me has a beating heart. And it just breaks mine to think that it might not. And it breaks my heart to think that we may never have anymore children. BUT, I have high hopes and great faith that this baby is fine and healthy, and I choose to trust my Lord, have faith in Him, and know His plans are perfect. At my doctor’s appointment yesterday, he could not hear the heartbeat with the doppler, so in a couple hours I will be getting an ultrasound, and I’m hoping we see that little flicker!
|This is an ultrasound picture of our twins; it just amazes me every time I see it!|
So back to the question, will we have more? I don’t know, that’s for God to decide. Do I want more? Yes, if that is God’s will and plan for us!